BOUNDARIES
- Heather Newman
- 14 minutes ago
- 10 min read
I first learned about Boundaries in 2020, before then, I think I had heard the word, but I didn’t understand what it meant. I’m sure I made assumptions that boundaries were simply about saying no. What I didn’t realise was that boundaries are actually about understanding yourself, honouring your needs, and creating relationships that feel safe, respectful, and sustainable. Boundaries teach us where we end, and someone else begins. When you’re not living as your authentic self, people don’t know who you are anyway. They know the version you think will keep them close. Not only is it unfair to you, it's unfair to them too.
Essentially boundaries help us sustain our authenticity, and in doing so, they help others to truly know who we are.
Whilst learning about boundaries, I began noticing patterns. Patterns in how I showed up in relationships, or how I dealt with conflict. I became aware of saying yes when I wanted to say no, avoiding difficult conversations, and abandoning myself over and over to keep the peace. I hadn’t realised these were boundary issues.
When I recently set up my massage business, boundaries were really important. At the launch of my website, I wanted to give my services away for free. Calling it kindness, when really… it was fear. A deep fear of rejection and abandonment. At its core it was self abandonment - putting others before my own needs and self worth. Building my business asked something that was unfamiliar to me. It asked me to value my time, my skill, my energy. To say: this matters. I matter. To let money, structure, and boundaries support me rather than threaten connection.
For much of my life, I’ve shaped myself into versions that felt more acceptable, more palatable, less likely to be left. I thought if I was easy, generous, and undemanding, I’d be safe from abandonment. A happy, shiny, quiet Heather was always the preferred option - the mask I repeatedly wore and was familiar with. However, What I thought was protection was actually what kept me stuck. In trying not to be abandoned by others, I abandoned myself. Over and over. I just didn't know that is what I was doing.
Learning about boundaries has been one of the most valuable parts of my personal growth. They have taught me that choosing yourself doesn’t have to come at the expense of choosing others.
As Mark Groves says "Boundaries are HOT".
What Boundaries Really Are (And What They Are Not)
We often think boundaries are about saying no, keeping people out, being difficult, or protecting ourselves from others. In reality, healthy boundaries are much less about controlling what other people do and much more about understanding what we are available for.
A boundary is simply a limit that helps us feel safe, respected, and aligned with our values. It allows us to take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, time, energy, and wellbeing, while recognising that other people are responsible for theirs. Boundaries help us understand where we end and another person begins.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that boundaries are selfish. In my experience, the opposite is true. When we don’t have boundaries, resentment can build inside us. We say yes when we mean no, give more than we comfortably can, and hope that others will somehow recognise our sacrifice. But people aren't mind readers, so whilst we might feel taken for granted, we have actually put ourselves in that situation in the first place. Healthy boundaries create clarity.
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They allow us to show up honestly rather than from a place of obligation or guilt.
It’s also important to understand what boundaries are not. They are not punishments, ultimatums, silent treatments, or attempts to control another person’s behaviour. A healthy boundary isn’t about making someone else change. It’s about deciding what you will do when something doesn’t feel right for you.
For me, one of the most powerful shifts was realising that boundaries help us build relationships that can support both connection and individuality, allowing us to care for others without losing ourselves in the process.
The Three Boundary Styles: Porous, Rigid, and Healthy
Most of us tend to fall into one of three boundary styles: porous, rigid, or healthy.
1. Porous Boundaries.
Everything gets in. You often say yes to everyone, even when it drains you, and can feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of.
2. Rigid Boundaries.
Nothing gets in. You keep people at a distance, avoid asking for help, and may struggle to connect with others.
3. Healthy Boundaries.
A balance. You know what’s important to you, where you end and others start, can say yes or no without guilt, and feel safe in your relationships.
People with porous boundaries often find themselves absorbing other people’s emotions, taking responsibility for problems that aren’t theirs, and struggling to say no. They may feel guilty when they prioritise themselves and often place the needs of others ahead of their own. This can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and a feeling of being taken for granted.
At the other end of the spectrum are rigid boundaries. These can look like emotional walls, difficulty trusting others, or an unwillingness to ask for help. Often, rigid boundaries develop after experiences of hurt, disappointment, or repeated boundary violations. They make connection difficult, because no one gets to know the real you.
Healthy boundaries sit somewhere in the middle. They allow us to remain open-hearted while still protecting our wellbeing. Healthy boundaries are flexible, clear, and rooted in self-awareness. They allow us to stay connected without abandoning ourselves.
The goal is never perfection. Most of us move between boundary styles depending on the relationship, the situation, and even the season of life we’re in.
Boundaries Begin With Values
All of this begins with knowing what matters to you.
What do you value?
Without clear values, it’s difficult to know where our boundaries should be, in fact it makes them impossible to maintain. As the saying goes, 'if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything' - So we have to work out what is important to us. Then we can start to see if we are living in alignment with those values.
Values act as our internal compass. They help us make decisions, guide our behaviour, and shape the relationships we want to create. Whether your values are honesty, kindness, family, freedom, respect, growth, or something else entirely, they provide the foundation for healthy boundaries.
If you’re unsure where to start, try asking yourself a few simple questions.
What helps me feel calm, safe, and respected?
What behaviours do I value in other people?
What leaves me feeling drained, frustrated, or out of alignment?
The answers often point directly towards the boundaries that need strengthening. If you need some more guidance on values, check out the link below;
Wants and Needs: Rebuilding Self-Trust
Many of us spend years becoming experts in other people’s needs whilst not understanding our own. We notice when others are upset, tired, overwhelmed, or in need of support, yet struggle to identify the same in ourselves.
Part of boundary work is learning to turn inward. And it is so very necessary. If we don’t understand our own wants and needs, how are we going to communicate them to others?
If you don't go within, you will go without
When needs go unmet for long periods of time, they will show up in a variety of ways; Resentment, withdrawal, frustration, irritability, and emotional exhaustion. These can all be signs that something important is being ignored. Often, these feelings aren’t caused by other people. They’re signals from within, begging us to pay attention.
Learning to recognise and honour our needs is one of the ways we rebuild trust with ourselves. Before we can advocate for what we need, we first have to acknowledge that those needs matter.
And we are all deserving of needs, because we exist.
Taking Action: Boundaries, Behaviour, and Consequences
Boundaries only work when they’re consistent and also followed up by action to support them. It's a good idea to think about what happens if someone crosses your boundary. For example; if someone interrupts your quiet time, you step away or if a request is unreasonable, you say no.
Remember: Boundaries are negotiations. They’re about communicating clearly, protecting your energy, and adjusting where needed. They are not meant to be a battle field. It’s normal for others to test them at first, however, it’s all part of the process. It's also super normal to feel like you are speaking from a text book when you begin to put boundaries in place, and also super normal to feel uncomfortable, that is why it's good to start small and do what feels safest to you.
Boundaries are your map to feeling in control of your energy. They also protect other people, and from experience when you have boundaries in place, people respect you and feel safer with you - think of a parent/child relationship!
Consequence Examples;
Anger
“I’m not available to be spoken to in anger. If it continues, I’ll leave the room.”
Buying time
“It’s important to me not to make rushed decisions. I need time to reflect. If an immediate answer is required, it will have to be no.”
Criticism
“Comments about my love life aren’t okay with me. Please stop. If they continue, I’ll end the conversation.”
Saying no
“I don’t have the capacity to help right now. Saying yes to this would mean saying no to myself.”
Money
“I won’t be lending money anymore. I care about you, and I need you to take responsibility for this.”
A boundary isn’t about telling someone else what they must do. It’s about deciding what you will do if your boundary isn’t respected. This is where the consequences discussed above come in. Consequences are not punishments or threats. They are actions that support and reinforce your boundary.
For example, if someone repeatedly speaks to you disrespectfully, the consequence may be ending the conversation. If someone pressures you for an answer before you’re ready, the consequence may be choosing not to engage until you’ve had time to think.
Consistency is what builds trust in ourselves, and over time, with others because they get to know who we are. We won't get it right every time. It will be messy, but that is where the magic is - In the messy middle!
Why Boundaries Are Hardest With Friends and Family
Boundaries can feel the hardest with those closest to us.
Family relationships and/or long-standing friendships often develop around familiar patterns. Everyone has their role, and over time those roles can become deeply ingrained. When one person begins changing their behaviour, it can feel uncomfortable for everyone involved. I have definitely experienced this.
This is one reason boundaries can create strong reactions. People aren’t always responding to the boundary itself. Sometimes they’re responding to a shift in the dynamic they’ve become accustomed to. It can be hard for them, and so sometimes it's good to explain you are going to be introducing boundaries. This gives them some time to understand change might be coming.
It’s important to remember that discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Healthy boundaries may disappoint people. They may be misunderstood. They may even be resisted. They may cause people to lash out.
One of the greatest lessons boundaries can teach us is that; We can care deeply about someone while still choosing what is right for ourselves.
Stay Safe And Start Small
If you’re new to boundaries, start small.
Rather than beginning with the most challenging relationship in your life, practise in everyday situations. For example, sending your coffee back if it's cold? or your food if it isn't what you ordered. Start with people who you don't have intimate relationships with, because this will build your confidence. Plus it allows you to practice, make mistakes which is how we learn!
One tip with boundaries is; be clear (rather than defensive). Many of us have been conditioned to over-explain our decisions because we’re afraid of disappointing others. Our words can become fluffy, and we can tie ourselves in knots trying to justify ourselves.
A simple and respectful explanation is often enough.
Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Boundaries are a practice. They require awareness, courage, and repetition.
Like any skill, they become easier with time.
Boundaries as an Act of Courage and Care
If there’s one thing I hope you take from this article, it’s that boundaries are not about becoming harder, colder, or less caring. They’re about becoming more authentic - and isn't that what we all want?!
Boundaries help us understand ourselves more deeply. They encourage us to honour our values, communicate our needs, and take responsibility for our wellbeing. They allow us to show up in relationships from a place of authenticity rather than obligation, resentment, or fear.
For me, learning about boundaries is an ongoing journey rather than a destination to reach. It has challenged old patterns in me, and it has also challenged the parts of me that didn’t always like other people’s boundaries. Learning to respect a boundary that disappoints you can be just as important as learning to set one yourself, and if I’m honest, that has been one of the hardest lessons.
Perhaps that’s the real gift of boundaries. They remind us that we don’t have to choose between ourselves and other people.
Healthy boundaries allow us to care for both.
Here are some Boundary top tips!
1. Know what truly matters to you
Values are the foundation of healthy boundaries. When you’re clear on what’s important to you, it becomes easier to decide what’s okay, and what isn’t. Without this clarity, boundaries can feel impossible.
2. Understand what helps you feel safe and supported
This will look different for everyone. You might need quiet time, a quiet morning routine, or regular connection with others. Boundaries exist to support your nervous system, not restrict it.
3. Be clear and kind
Many of us avoid being direct because we’re afraid of upsetting others. You can be honest and compassionate at the same time. Two things can be true!
4. Keep it simple
You don’t need to over-explain, justify, or defend your boundary. A calm, clear statement is enough. Over-explaining can lead to confusion.
5. Back your boundary with action
Boundaries only work when they’re followed through. Start by naming your boundary. If it isn’t respected, decide what action you’ll take.
* “Please don’t speak to me like that.”
* “If it continues, I’ll end the call.”
6. Choose language that reflects self-respect
Try phrases like:
* “It’s important to me that…”
* “I need some time to think about this.”
* “That doesn’t sit well with me.”
* “I’m not available for that.” - This is my go to mantra, for others and also for myself!
7. Remember: boundaries go both ways
Healthy boundaries mean not bulldozing others, and not allowing yourself to be bulldozed. Oversharing, giving unsolicited advice, or pushing your view can be signs of porous boundaries. Even with my best friend, I ask, “Would you like my feedback?” It’s my way of listening without taking over. She gets to choose what she needs, and that choice helps her feel safe.
Helpful check-ins can be as simple as:
* “Would you like my opinion?”
* “Would it help if I shared a suggestion?”
A few gentle reminders
* Be willing to follow through.
* Boundaries can be negotiated, they’re not rigid walls.
* Some boundaries need time and practice to settle.
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