STORIES
- Heather Newman
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
The mind loves a job
Some of the hardest work I’ve done on myself has been learning to recognise my limiting beliefs and noticing when I’m creating stories based on them.
Limiting beliefs are deeply rooted beliefs we carry about ourselves, often formed in childhood or through significant experiences during our lives. They shape how we see ourselves, other people and the world around us. More often than not, these beliefs developed as a way of protecting us. They served a purpose once, but many of them are no longer serving the lives we’re living today.
The challenge that we can face is, once we believe something to be true, our minds become incredibly good at gathering evidence to support it. We start collecting proof for the belief while unintentionally filtering out anything that challenges it. As I often say to my clients, “The mind loves to have a job.”
And once it’s given one, it will work hard to prove itself right. Take a listen to this clip where Brené Brown discusses why we shouldn't walk around the world looking for evidence that we are not enough...
Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking:
“I’m too much.”
“I’m not enough.”
“Everyone is annoyed with me.”
“People don’t really want me there.”
As Elyse Myers jokingly says, “Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true. Your brain’s a little bitch and likes to lie to you.” It makes me laugh every time I see her sing this, because beneath the humour, there’s so much truth in it.
The stories we tell ourselves are often far more powerful than the events themselves. It isn’t always what happens that causes our suffering; it’s the meaning our minds attach to what has happened.
Creating Narratives
When these beliefs are running the show, we can move through life creating narratives that aren’t based on facts, but instead on our feelings...
Someone doesn’t reply to a message.
A friend walks past without saying hello.
Someone seems quieter than usual.
Before long, our minds have filled in all the blanks. Without even realising it, we create a story that feels completely true because it’s being filtered through old beliefs and past experiences rather than what is actually happening in the present moment.
These days, I try to pause and ask “What is the story I’m telling myself”. I don’t always get it right, but I’m much quicker at catching myself than I used to be.
I often ask myself:
What is the feeling?
Is there another explanation?
What evidence do I actually have?
Could this simply be my old beliefs trying to protect me?
That last question has changed so much for me, “Could this simply be my old beliefs trying to protect me?” By understanding my bodies survival ‘go to’ , I’ve been able to understand myself better, and become more responsive. I know when my thoughts aren’t telling me the truth. Becoming aware that there might be something more going on for me, allows me to pause and breathe, rather than immediately reacting to a situation.
Most of the time, people are simply living their own lives. They’re busy. They’re tired. They’re juggling work, children, relationships, health and everything else life throws at them. The truth is, most people are far too busy living their own lives to be thinking about us as much as we imagine they are. Giving people the benefit of the doubt creates far more peace than assuming the worst.
However…
Giving people the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean accepting breadcrumbs forever. Relationships only flourish when both people choose to show up. If someone repeatedly can’t or won’t do that, I no longer take it as evidence that I’m not enough. I simply recognise that this relationship may not have the mutual investment it needs. And that is okay! There is no blame, no good or bad...sometimes, it is what it is!
If you’ve read my previous blog on 'Choice', you’ll know how passionate I am about recognising that we always have more choice than we first realise. We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can choose whether we automatically believe every thought our minds present to us.
Our thoughts create feelings.
Our feelings shape our behaviours.
Our behaviours become patterns.
And our patterns quietly begin shaping our lives.
The beautiful part is that we can interrupt that cycle. We can pause, question the story we’re telling ourselves and choose a different narrative.
Feelings
The feelings that arise whenever we might be in these ‘survival’ modes are always worthy of our attention. Our emotions aren’t something to push down. When something touches one of our limiting beliefs or old wounds, we might feel rejected, abandoned, hurt or left out. Those feelings are very real, and they deserve to be acknowledged.
Often, they’re a sign that a younger or more vulnerable part of us is asking to be seen, heard and comforted. I no longer see these parts of myself as the enemy. I see them as parts of me that learned, for very good reasons, how to survive. They aren’t trying to sabotage me; they’re trying to protect me but the problem is they’re using an old map. The work isn’t to focus on changing other people or reacting from that place. It’s to go inward and meet that part of ourselves with compassion.
Understanding that our feelings don’t always require us to take action is rarely new concept to me. I lived for so many years reacting to every feeling, whilst not really understanding what feelings were or where the come from. I used to give meaning to every one, and it made life very messy and often complicated.
Our feelings aren’t necessarily an alarm telling us to cut someone off, send a text or make a life-changing decision. Sometimes our feelings are simply an invitation to notice that an old wound has been touched and that there’s something within us that still needs our care.
Think of them like this - Emotions are ENERGY in MOTION (E-MOTION)
Personal Tip - Recently I've begun to dance out, shake out, move out my emotions whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed or 'triggered' and it has helped the energy to pass through me before I even have the chance to think of a reaction.
What's really happening?
I want to come back to this question: “Could this simply be my old beliefs trying to protect me?” At its core, when our old limiting beliefs come up, we no longer feel safe. Somewhere inside us, our nervous system has perceived a threat. Our bodies, the clever things that they are, often reacts long before our thinking brain has had chance to decide whether there’s actually any danger.
An unread text.
Being left out of a conversation.
A mum at the school gates not saying hello.
All of these can feel like evidence that we’re about to be rejected or abandoned. Our nervous system reacts before we’ve even had chance to question what’s actually true.
When we’re in that state (Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn), we’re far more likely to react than respond. We might decide never to speak to those people again because it feels like the safest option. We might withdraw, people-please, over-explain or shut down completely! - I have done all of these things and sometimes, I still get the impulse to do them now!
Our nervous system believes it’s protecting us from being hurt again. But often, it’s simply repeating an old behaviour that no longer serves us. This is where things have begun to change for me. Instead of automatically believing every thought or acting on every feeling, I’ve learned to pause and ask myself:
“What is the story I’m telling myself?”
That creates space for me. Space to breathe. Space to remind myself that I’m safe, that there is no threat. And from that place, I get to choose my response rather than allowing fear to choose it for me.
My Work
Everything I do is centred around nervous system regulation.
My intention isn’t simply to ease tight shoulders or help someone relax for an hour. It’s to offer your body something that many of us rarely experience; a genuine sense of safety.
Because when our bodies begin to feel safe, our minds often follow:
We breathe differently.
We think more clearly.
We feel more grounded.
We respond rather than react.
We stop believing every fearful story our minds present and begin responding to life from who we are today, rather than who we had to be to survive.
Perhaps the next time you notice yourself creating a story, you might pause and ask yourself:
“What is the story I’m telling myself?”
Because sometimes, in that pause, we discover the story was never true to begin with. And we get to create room for something new: a different story, a calmer nervous system, and a response that comes from who we are today!
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